"Rebecca Elaine "Becky" Manus Bradley, 36, of Hayesville, North Carolina died Saturday, May 20, 2000 in a Winston-Salem, North Carolina hospital after an extended illness."
... Winston Salem ...
Mom’s hand in mine, I look down from the vitals screen to see her face, swollen, puffy, different... not my mom, my best friend.
Some days are worse than others but today... was different. Her hands colder, not as soft, her cheeks paler, and not as wet with medication...
Why didn’t she open her eyes? too sick? too weak? too gone?
Just us now, everyone else was outside, waiting...
I was glad, I had so much to say, so much I felt like she had to know.
"Hey Mom. It’s me, your baby girl. I’ve been going, to school you know, the way you wanted. I don’t like it there, I can’t focus and uh..." I pulled a chair from outside the glass-walled room over next to her bed and closed the blinds (even though I had to keep the sliding glass door open). I set down, paused again, pulled my chair as tight against her bed as it would go. Touched her hand. Let go. Started to cry, whipped my tears, stood up, looked at her surroundings, the tubes, the wires... the body she was trapped in... this place that held her hostage. I wasn’t supposed to touch her, the medication on her skin was bad for us... but I leaned down, kissed her forehead, "You know what Momma? You’re still pretty... it’s the weirdest thing, even like this...even so different... you know, well, you’re still beautiful."
Almost lifelessly she lay there, her dark brown hair flowing over her pillow, framing her pretty face. She wasn’t as tan as before... she’d want to layout in the sun when we got home.
Carolyn wanted to meet her. Rocky wanted to go in, he thought Elaina wanted him with her... thought she "needed" him... so wrong.
I admit, I was upset when some of Elaina’s friends went in to "visit"... It didn’t seem fair to me, they got to leave it, forget... come, leave, then it was over.
and we... we'll never leave... I can’t ever...
"Momma, our garden... it’s really blooming now. I need to get rid of the weeds though. I haven’t done as much as I need to in it... I thought maybe, I should... wait for you? I could wait for you..." my eyes watered up, the tears were rolling now, they were silent, sliding smoothly from my eyes down my cheeks... they hit the edge of Mom's bed.
"I love you Momma, I love you more than you’ll ever know... you’re the best Mom ever, and I am so thankful for you. I wouldn’t trade the moments we’ve had for anything, I wouldn’t trade you either... ever... your perfect."
I pulled out the two books of my poetry I had with me. I looked down at my mom, and tried to think, tried to believe, it was her.
"Mom, I want to say so much... but I don’t know how. I’m sorry."
I brushed the hair back away from her face, wiped my tears... then I wiped hers.
"Do you mind if I read to you all my poems?"
Her head moved slightly from one side to the other, then exhaustedly back. That was the most movement I’d seen in a few days, that I would see...
"Ok then, I’ve got a lot to read."
I read her my poems, all of them, and we both cried... and then I sung to her. she held me, even though she couldn’t move, her eyes comforted me even though they were closed, and I knew she loved me even though she couldn’t say it...
Maybe God said it for her? Or maybe she spoke to my heart... maybe she spoke to my little heart through more than words, more than actions, more than thoughts... i'm not sure, i can't honestly say that i know... but i felt her, felt her words, felt her love, all so deep inside me...
I finished reading to her. I stood looking impatiently about at all the nurses standing just outside the door...crying. They had listened, semi-secretly, as I read to Mommy...
I knew they were hurting, I wanted to help, but I wanted my moment, I wanted to be with my Mom. I’m sorry now that I did not do more for them, that all I could offer to anyone was a hug, because for the first time in my life I was at-loss for words.
Sorry everyone. Sorry Mom.
My time was up and I left the room. I pushed the silver button after taking off my gown and gloves and washing my hands and face and then... I left. I went into the ICU hallway and I prayed harder than I had ever prayed in my life. I can’t tell you what I said to him, I have no idea... but I know he heard me, and I know he did everything right... no matter how much it hurt then and no matter how much it hurts now, no matter how much it will always hurt.
I want to thank him, I want to live for him and be everything I know I can be... but this part of my heart is gone now, I think it died, I think I just need someone to show me the way... and she isn’t here. I think it was he who took her from me...
Dad went back in for a minute by his self, Elaina and I had already been in and so had all the other relatives. I collapsed in the hall right when the doors opened for the last time. I lay there in my eeyore sweatshirt with black in front of my eyes, my heart flashing colors I had never seen... colors I never want to see again. It hurt so bad. I knew. We all knew.
Time to go in, all of us. Dad picked me up, carried me to the door, set me down, let me call in on the phone (made me really, he was too choked-up to talk), "Excuse me ma’m but you told us to bring in the family when we were done talking with her?" a long pause, and my favorite nurse (an African American lady named Marie Sylvester) said softly into the phone, "why, is this baby Christina Bradley? With the Bradley family?" I would of blushed and maybe smiled any other day but I was too exhausted from all my emotions so I just replied dryly, "yes ma’m, do you mind if we all come in now?" She must have sensed my unwelcoming mood because she pushed the button and the big silver-metal doors swung open revealing the white-brown tiles and the open room with the big silver sink in the middle. I hung-up the phone and watched as all of us walked clumsily through the biggest room where all the sickly people were watching us walk towards one of the only private rooms there... Patients were everywhere but curtains separated them from our sight, kept them from interfering with our destination... (I had made friends with the lady in the bed right outside Momma’s room, she had cancer also but was taken out of the ICU 2 days before Mom was... except, she got to go home to her family, got to live her life, got to fix all the mistakes she told me about... and Momma, I guess she was done with all of that...) There was a problem with the section C ICU room (the one mom was in, there were 3 (A, B, and C) and you got put in one depending on what was wrong with you... (Carolyn and Rocky’s dad was in B)) and they (the nurses) were moving everyone out of the entire ICU section C into an empty unit across the hall... before the afternoon was over it was only us... our group of family, a few of Momma's nurses, and Momma...
I don’t know how long I was in that room, I don’t know who else was in there (except for a few people who I remember distinctly because they either hurt, helped, or made me mad during the hour or so we all stood around...) but I remember crying harder than I thought possible and trying to touch her but couldn’t because all the big people, the adults, crowded her bedside clumsily, not knowing where else to stand. I remember sometime between when we came and when the doctors did that I fell again, that I saw the colors, that I thought I was dead... I remember my other favorite nurse, Brenda, brought me a wet wash cloth. I set in someone’s lap and they let me lay there for almost forever, until I could stand on my own again... I remember yelling something at someone (I think it was Sally (my Mom’s real dad’s wife-my; mom’s step mom)) and then Renee grabbing my arm and hugging me, crying. I remember Brooke taking my hand and saying at the top of her voice, "Someone better move because, my God, Chrissy is gonna stand by her Mom!" I remember bursting out into wild tears and Dad hugging me then letting go and sobbing onto Elaina’s shirt, her curls sprawling out wildly from her ponytail as Daddy grabbed the back of her head and cried... I remember ending up at Mom’s head, touching her hair, talking to her. I remember watching the vitals screen, I remember the numbers dropping. I remember seeing a kite, I remember her whispering, "Just let me go baby, I promise I’ll never leave you..." and I remember letting go. I remember someone screaming, maybe just inside my head, then the color, the life, I saw it go. I saw it leave her. I saw my Mom go, and there, where she had been, was a body that I didn’t know. A doctor leaned his head into the room, "My God, she’s gone. She’s dead." I remember everyone leaving the room very quickly and being alone... I thought. Then I turned and saw Daddy, Elaina, and Renee... Dad wasn’t crying now, he was reaching out to me, "Come on Chrissy, you know, she’s not here anymore." but Elaina was balling, holding onto the corner of the sliding glass door her knees shaking, Renee holding her up as she looked up at heaven praying loudly. They turned though, the three of them and walked away into the now totally empty ICU room. It was huge without all the people in it, and it made me feel like I was gone too... like we were all walking into the white-brown tiled heaven with the big silver sink to meet back up with Mom. To meet back up with the rest of our hearts... I turned back around. My Momma, my best friend, my everything... she wasn’t here anymore, and all I could do was pray that God had room for me in heaven and that mom would save me a seat next to her up there...
I walked up to the bed. I can’t tell you what I felt. I don’t know. I saw her though; I saw the screen blank, the machines all turned off and her body unmoving. I saw the tears rolling down my cheek, felt them, and I heard words coming from my mouth. "Momma, no. Please... I want to... no... please, you have to know though, I love you, and I always...No mom! No. I’ll make you proud, I’m so sorry... I promise..." my words cracked, "Visit me ok? Come by our garden ok?" I kissed her forehead and leaned over and hugged her. I forgot to let go... She was so cold, so pale, so gone. I was alone. I was by myself. God left me and took my Mom. He took my family. He took my real Dad, he took my sister... I was alone and 11 and I had no idea who I was and what I was supposed to do, to feel, to be, and so I cried on her. I let my tears fall onto her gown and I hugged her over and over...
then, suddenly, I stood up. Numb, my eyes were solid, I composed myself... and I walked out of that room... I "became strong" that instant- I wanted no one to cry for me, so I gave them no reason to...
The sacrifices people made for me then, that they continue to make now, I am unworthy of receiving and unable to repay... they can never know what they have all really given me, or what they truly mean to me... how they saved me.
I see how selfish I am, how selfish I was, and I wish I could go back, wish I could change everything... but I can’t. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. I know I owe you more, but that’s all I can offer, all the words I can give...
I look sometimes so deeply into my dreams that they are real and I feel it all again. I dream sometimes that I said the right thing, that I did the right thing... but it’s all just a dream... I never did anything right...
Except I know, in the end, I didn’t hold her back from heaven... and I guess that’s all I really need...
"Rebecca Elaine "Becky" Manus Bradley, 36, of Hayesville, North Carolina may have died Saturday, May 20, 2000 in a Winston-Salem, North Carolina hospital after an extended illness... but she will never be gone, and we will never be alone. I know, because she told me so..."
I wish the paper had said that...
I love you Mom. I miss you, a lot, and I remember, just like I said I would, the way I always will. I’m sorry for everything I was then, everything I should have been and I wasn’t, the things I did that you didn’t want me to, and everything I didn’t do that you needed me to... I’m sorry. I’m glad you’re happy, I’m glad you’re free. Just... remember I love you ok? And occasionally, it'd be nice, if you'd keep an eye out for me. I love you Momma, and now, you are my sunshine...
Love your baby, Christina
